Ironhide and Ratchet Learn To Drive
by The Cowgirl Bookworm
Summary: Requested by a reviewer for An Autobot Mechanic, what happens when the weapon's specialist and chief medical officer have to work on thier driving? Well, let's just say it's not pretty.


**Well, here it is. Thanks to vanillathunder215 for the idea and the fifteenth review for An Autobot Mechanic. She wanted an oneshot between Ironhide and Ratchet, learning to drive. This crazy plot bunny happened to float into my head and had me laughing my head off before I even got the notion to write it down. Enjoy!**

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Ironhide accelerated sharply before slamming on the breaks. He continued in this jerking motion for several more feet.

"Hey Ratch! I think I got it!" At that moment he went headfirst into a fence. Ratchet dissolved into laughter, his hummer guise shaking with the hilarity of the situation. Ironhide managed to extract himself from the chain link muttering a good deal about 'slagging humans and their fragging sons of glitch fences.' Ratchet accelerated to his friend, but was unable to slow and slammed into the fence Ironhide had just removed himself from. Optimus had ordered all of the Autobots to learn how to drive better; it was after Lennox had showed him something called NASCAR and an old movie, Smokey and the Bandit.

"Not so funny now is it?" Ironhide said smugly as Ratchet went sharply backward. The abandoned warehouse facility was easily able to take the destruction that the two senior Autobots had inflicted on it. Snatches of yellow and black paint stood out from the wall, along with the large dents and more than one hummer sized hole. The shipping yard was easily the best place for them to practice. Ironhide and Ratchet had never been the best of drivers; even Bumblebee could drive circles around them. That was until Ironhide would pull out cannons and Ratchet his saw.

"Perhaps we need to go out and drive on the road, get experience driving with humans." Looking like two drunken teenagers Ironhide and Ratchet drove onto the road, weaving and switching speeds rapidly. Coming into a load of traffic they slowed, much to the chagrin of Ironhide. He revved his engine in impatience, bumping the car in front of him. The driver extricated himself from his car, classic hip-hop in every sense of the word. Hat cocked to the side, pants very close to his knees, and a baggy jacket. Music that was mostly comprised of bass notes echoed from his speakers.

"Whoa man! What the hell you think you're doing to my ride here?" He said coming towards Ironhide, hands out in the classic 'what's the matter bro?' pose. Activating his holoform Ironhide stepped out of the truck. He looked like someone right out of a movie where the cowboy just goes around kicking ass.

A black shirt with silver threads at random intervals and camo pants covered his well, yet smooth, muscled body. Close-cropped black hair covered his head and he had a sharp look to his face. Shockingly blue eyes stood out from above his pert nose. He stood about six four, broad across the shoulders and barrel chested. His name, Ironhide, was tattooed on one of his biceps in bold lettering. Black leather boots peeked out from his pants and if you looked above where his pants came down you'd see an Autobot symbol emblazoned in red thread on the tops of his boots.

"Is there a problem?" Ironhide asked, the hip-hop guy was so close to his face he could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Problem? Problem? Bro this isn't even close to problem!" He gestured to his bumper; a small patch of black paint decorated the outer edges of a dent. He reached over and poked Ironhide in his chest.

"You hit me! On purpose! Man, I'm going to mess you up!" He reached back to throw a punch, it was flimsy, airy punch, but a punch none the less. With little effort Ironhide grabbed the young man's fist and twisted it behind his back. He leaned down next to his face, his voice barely a whisper.

"You touch me again, and you will lose whatever appendage had the unfortunate encounter with my body." With barely a shove he sent the young man flying, down into the rainy road. Ironhide hopped back into the C4500 Topkick, and deactivated his holoform after bringing up the tinted windows. The, how shall we say this, thick headed man banged on the side of his truck.

"Hey! You son of a bitch! Get out here and fight like a man!" His warrior pride seeking to defend its self Ironhide revved the engine as a warning. The hip-hop man hit him again. He activated his internal COM link, sharing it with Ratchet.

_Please! Let me rough him up a little. Optimus won't even know. _Ratchet was unable to respond through his laughter. Seeing this as an invitation he transformed into his Cybertronian bipedal form, gears whirring and metal switching places. The large amount of traffic had left during the encounter between Ironhide's holoform and the damaged vehicle's owner. Ironhide picked up one foot and brought it down on the still bass-beating car. He scraped spare parts off on the ground, like a human trying to get gum off of their shoe.

"Oh, I'm sorry. It looks like the dent is the least of your worries now." Ironhide said with a bit of smugness. The young driver could hardly stutter. With a proud air about him he morphed back to his terrestrial guise and sped off, Ratchet close on his heels. Ironhide seemed to be in better control of himself now, accelerating and stopping with grace. Barely able to contain his laughter from the encounter Ratchet pulled into their old warehouse. Unable to spot his old friend he looked out in the shipping yard.

"What is the point of these fragging fences?!"


End file.
